We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
