The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize