2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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