I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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