i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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