hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
