Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
