so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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