I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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