So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
