Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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