I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
