Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
