My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
