Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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