the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
