"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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