That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
try to milk me bitch
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
