I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
where are my eyebrows?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize