I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
