so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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