life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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