Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
