Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize