I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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