It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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