I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
