i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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