I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
