I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
