I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize