I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im having a threesome with these popsicles
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
