I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
