you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
