I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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