Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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