ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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