I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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