yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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