ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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