you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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