I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
