you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
