I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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