The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
