I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
