Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize