Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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