I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Randomize