she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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