M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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