It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
