I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize