I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
