the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
