Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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