thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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