Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize