She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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