I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
